Stitch After Stitch

I am in such an insanely bitchy mood today. It has just been a week where I have literally crawled onto my couch every night and stared at the TV for hours on end with no lights on. This is not characteristic of me at all. I usually at least have my knitting going or I'm jumping up to get something out of the oven. Something. If one of my friends were acting like I am right now I would literally want to hit them or get them drunk or something. Instead I've just been whiney and then today I think if I was pushed I could literally hiss at someone.

So, instead of whining about all the reasons I'm pissy I am going to try to center myself a bit. As you may have noticed in some previous posts I am an obnoxiously sentimental and purposeful person. One of my leadership strengths is "connectedness". I tend to be this way more with my quilting, but every so often it sneaks into my knitting as well. I am going to tell you about one of those projects I have going right now.

Almost a year ago I cast on the Seascape Lace Stole to help me to calm my racing thoughts as my husband and I were setting off to try once again to see if we could get our shit together in the marriage department. I would frequently worry and start on a crazy cycle. I needed something to concentrate on. This is from my notes on my Ravelry project page from when I cast on.  

"I decided to start my first lace project as a “documentation” of the journey my husband and I are going through to see if we can start again. I figured working on this while we are working on us may help to serve as a reminder for me that things take time, mistakes are made and reworked, and if you want instant gratification you can make a mess of things. I am only ordering one ball of yarn at a time to remind myself that all the resources aren’t here and I shouldn’t put all my investment into something that is just in the beginning, but will need to get my resources as we go. If all goes well I hope to wear the stole at our ceremony to renew our vows. If not, guess I’ll have a big pile of a half finished stole to remind myself that sometimes things don’t turn out like we want."  ~5/2/09

Then things began to disintegrate, but I tried to keep on trucking:

"Things are not going so hot personally. However, when I get stressed and/or anxious this takes ALL of my concentration. I am also resisting the urge to rip back and fix mistakes. You can’t do that in life, you can only learn from there and correct them from where you are." ~5/12/09

I worked on this for awhile and then things went bad as they always seemed to and I threw it into the aforementioned naughty basket. I never even picked it up again during some half-hearted attempts at trying again. In fact, following one particularly gruesome fight I was picking up the corner and pulled the needle all the live stitches were on out by accident. I was so disgusted with the state of affairs I decided screw it, this is a pretty accurate representation of our relationship at the time and I threw it back in WITHOUT PUTTING THE NEEDLE BACK IN! All of those vulnerable little stitches were just hanging out.

As time went on I gave up on the marriage and filed for a divorce. I made lots of bad decisions, self-destructred a bit, and yelled at God and anyone else who would listen.

I won't get into the messy details, but God made me start listening to him come March. I started talking to my husband again aganist my better judgement. And on March 29th I picked this project back up.

It was a mess. The stitches (it's knit with Rowan Kid Silk Haze) were a mess. They were all stuck to each other, stitches had fallen in. It was a pretty accurate picture of my life and my marriage. I sat down and I spent some time figuring out where I was in the pattern. I had to use an earring to join some stitches that had fallen beyond saving. I had to accept that some of the damage was not fixable. To rip it back would have caused more damage. I would have to take it as it was and not give up because it looked like a mess. It was very much like my life.

But I worked at it.
 

 

And then before I knew it the pattern was coming together. Then it was double the size after only a week of work then all of the previous weak attempts.

 

It's been almost a month. Things have been so hard. I have walked out on fights with my husband, but come home with tear streaked cheeks to work on this. Yesterday I was so ready to give up. The pain and the questions were more than I could handle. I was so frustrated and I didn't even know how to talk to him about it. But I spent hours working on this stole. Somedays this is the only way I know how to work on my relationship. I don't know what to say or what to do, but I know if I just keep going stitch by stitch I feel like I'm still working on it. It doesn't have to make sense to you because it makes sense to me.

 

Making progress one stitch at a time

I don't know if we'll make it. I really don't. I don't know if I'll ever wear this stole to renew my vows. I just know that sometimes all I have is what's in front of me. And I've put too much work in it to just throw it away. For me this stole's project name is the "It Takes Time Stole". It reminds me I have to put in work for the finished project. Things don't get done overnight. All we can do it trust today's work will build on yesterday's and tomorrow's and His plans are greater than I can ever imagine.