Contemplating Life

Here is your serious life post warning. No yarn, fabric, or baked goods here for tonight. You have been warned.

Sorry I've been a bit MIA. I went into hiding at my parent's after a week with far too many head to desk moments. Now I am at a retreat. The Art of Hosting Retreat to be more specific. And it is at the amazing Chiara Center in Springfield, IL.  I am at a very contemplative place that has been building for some time now. I should have seen the red flags that God has really been working to do with things with me here. But, as usual, my head was too wrapped around trying to survive the day without giving myself a concussion on the desk.

I could end the post here.

But I won't. Even though it's tempting. I realize you come here to read about what baking, knitting, and sewing. But I feel this urge to process here tonight, so push that red X button in the corner if you aren't up to some April self-exploration.

This  plaque above is in the hallway of the retreat center we are at and it really captured for me a piece of this journey.

The good news is that I am really coming into realization of this passion God has put in my heart for what He put me here for. The bad news is that it challenges many of the ways I thought life was going to look like for me. The hard part is that it shouldn't necessarily cause the chaos it does, but it does.

I have been working in a leadership coaching program and one of the things my coach and I have really worked on is articulating my values. This has been a valuable process for me. I used to be planner. Then I was drug through hell and back at the whims of a plan that wasn't my own. Now the idea of living my life based on my values really reasonates with me. I find a sense of peace in knowing that while I may change as I am living out a plan or God may throw opportunities my way while I'm living out a plan I thought was mine, if I live my life based on values and make my decisions based on these values I shouldn't get back to this place I've been in of total disorientation. Nothing like waking up at the tender age of 28 and realizing that you have no idea who the hell's life you're living, but it just doesn't resonate with you. I have felt this fluttering inside of me for some time. This longing to be a part of something bigger than me. And I think I've found that something. I have this amazing passion for working in communities to bring them together and help them to realize the shared future we all have and that change is really within us. Within us as people, within us as a community. We share this place in time. I feel such a sense of truth as I show the love of God in this way.

 But what do I do with that now? What do I do when it raises more questions for me? What do I do when I'm faced with living life as I feel a passion for, living life in a way that looks at the world around me and says, "I know that this could be different and I want to be a part of the change", but living life this way means maybe leaving behind what I've known? What do I do when I feel this passion so deep in my bones that I don't understand how it could from anywhere but God, but jumping means letting go of other things that seem like they SHOULD be of God? I have so much conflict inside of myself right now. My coach tells me that she is excited for me. That I am at the place where I am becoming who I was made to be. But what do I with the shambles of who I was?

Please pray for me. I mean that literally. Please pray that God will shine through the overgrowth in my life and light HIS path. That He will bring me peace and reconcile the passion He has placed in me and the shackles of responsibility that hold me back. Please pray the fear that whispers will be less than the passion that makes me feel alive. Please pray I will be brave and embrace my calling. Even if I don't know the details of The Plan.

I found this prayer room here tonight. You can find me back there.