On a Personal Note

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this publically. Okay, I knew I didn't want to. However, one of the values I have really embraced over the last couple of years is that as people we are seldom truly transparent and I want to try to live my life embracing my humanity and the brokenness that comes with that. I don't know if you've ever heard the song Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns, but I've gotten to a point in my life that I feel acting like one of the "happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples" really hurts more than it serves to glorify God. As Christians we hurt and we struggle and it's okay. So on that note, I'm reposting an entry I put on Ravelry in a divorce group I used to be a part of this morning because I want to be true to being real. I am more than yarn, fabric, and baked goods. And appropriate or not, this entry is for me and honoring that. I did take out some of the details of what happened in my marriage, as I don't feel those are appropriate for a public blog.

Back in March, as I was awaiting notification the divorce was final, I found out the judge was throwing us back and making us wait out a 90 day period I was told by my lawyer I would have no trouble getting around since we had been separated for a year and half. As those of you who know me may remember, I have always struggled with my divorce, my faith, and discerning God’s will, as well as having trouble finding God in all of it. Both my husband and I had been making progress as individuals, so we decided to give it a try to see if we could work through some of the pain of what happened. We didn't know if this was a sign.



But now, two and half years after things went so horribly wrong, I resubmitted the final set of papers to the court this week. No crisis caused me to react, I just got tired of pretending the pain wasn’t still there. I worked so hard to get through so much and out of those ashes a different person rose. The disintegration of our marriage and the insanity that followed broke me into a million pieces. It took me a lot to sort through those pieces and as I worked to put them all back together they didn’t all end up right where they were before I broke. So, I’m still all there, it just looks a bit different and has a few more jagged edges.


Two and a half years. Wow. I don’t even know who that girl was. I can look back and see this young wife planning a family and filled with anticipation as she planned with the husband she adored to move into their first house. Their whole lives were before them and the idea they may not be in it together was just blasphemy. I can’t even wrap my mind around what it feels like to be her. But I’m feeling what it is to be me. Broken, but learning God’s grace. Unsure, but looking forward. Scared, but determined.

The irony of it all is that through the hell of the last two years, in the end  it changed me into a much more peaceful person. I look at life from a different place now and I’m willing to just let what happens happen. (Ok, sometimes the old control freak in my comes out, but there is more balance.) I was always the planner in our relationship. But after things went so terribly wrong I came to an acceptance that plans can only take you so far. My rocky last couple of years has really taught me that we don’t have all of the answers and the true beauty of life reveals itself when we’re not looking for it. Sometimes it surprises us and sometimes we see the beauty when we look at the ugly head on.

Many don’t understand the unique struggle of Christians going through divorce, both inside and outside the church. I’ve always felt a bit alone and misunderstood wherever I was. And I was lucky enough to have a church family who totally supported me, which I know many don’t have. I still struggle with if this is God’s will, I just have come to terms with grace and forgiveness enough to know that even if it isn’t, He will love me, provide for me, and set me on a new path anyway.



A little of me is hoping no one read this far. If you're thinking to yourself, "Why would anyone put all of that out there in public?", this wasn't about you. It was about me and my committment to being real.

In the words of Casting Crowns:

Would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagined me to be?

Or would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away?
Or would the love of Jesus
be enough to make you stay?


Yarn, fabric, and baking will be back soon.

Through the Storm Quilt

I’ve mentioned before how quilts tell a story about me [link] in a way few of my other projects do. The one I’m telling you about today is no different. I wish I could tell you a good story about how this was started in celebration or anticipation of some great new journey in life. But it wasn’t. A couple of years ago my marriage got to the point that I knew I was going to have to leave. I started looking at apartments and was very open with my husband I was doing this. I also started a quilt to show both myself and him how serious I was. This quilt. I would make sure to work on it when he was home, telling him ho w it was for my move. Things were very awful at this time. My secret was that I didn’t really want to go. Deep inside I kept hoping things would change. I purposely made this quilt in colors to match our spare bedroom, hoping something would change. But it didn’t.


Pieces of this quilt got rammed into a chest of UFO’s I have in my sewing room and in all honesty I didn’t imagine I would ever have the heart to finish this quilt. A month or so ago I was digging around and I found these pieces. Curious, I brought the pieces downstairs and laid them out on the floor.

Then I found myself starting to sew. As I worked with the pieces and cut the fabric to finish the quilt I began to look at the quilt and while I had previously identified with the grays and gloomy parts of the quilt, I began to be drawn to the bits of yellow peeking through. Looking at the quilt I began to see it as little bits of sun poking through storm clouds. And I committed to finishing the quilt. The top was done by the end of the weekend.

Basting started shortly after.

Within the week I had the quilt done. Then last weekend I was able to get some pictures of it out at the campground. I’m not sure what is going to happen with the quilt. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with me. But this quilt shows a bit of my journey.

Thank You

Since starting this blog I have went back and forth on if I would write about things going on in my private life, most specifically my separation from my husband and the ripples I continue to feel of that monumental tossing of a rock into the pool of my life that led to the crumbling of my marriage and a journey I never imagined I would be on. I wasn't really sure what the protocol was. I used to frequently post in a group on Ravelry and this really helped me to sort through a lot of things. Every so often I have received messages from the ladies in the group checking in on me and sharing with me how they had been walking on my journey with me. I have some random outbursts of personal information on here and tend to feel a bit guilty about it. But then I remember that if you don't like what I post you can close the window and come back later for some rambling about crafting and baking.

So thank you to those who check in over here to see how my journey is going."How am I doing?" some of you have asked. Well, I am working to sort through the pain of it all still. It has been two years and it still surprises me how something on TV, a song on the radio, or an offhanded comment can zap me back to the pain I feel and the sting of the betrayal. I still have days that I look around and try to figure out whose life I'm leading. I still have bursts of anger that someone else's decisions could forever alter my life and change who I am and how I see the world around me. I continue to walk a path where I discover a little more of myself every day.

My husband and I continue to try to put the pieces back together. I gave a workshop at a youth conference a few years ago. In it I gave the teens a puzzle, but didn't give them the picture to go off. This is what my life feels like these days. Most days it seems like we were given two different puzzles as we both deal with the scars and just the directions our lives have taken as we've done life separately rather than together. In the workshop as the teens began to piece together the puzzle they started with the edge pieces and we discussed how often in life we just need a place to start. We need to have something to guide us as we put the bigger picture together. Every once in awhile there is that moment in our reconciliation attempts when we find just enough of the border pieces that we can start to discern what a life together again would be like and it gives us the strength and encouragement to continue to work to see if we can match a few more pieces.

Thank you for your kind messages and for continuing to think about and pray for me. It never ceases to surprise me when those messages come. You have no idea how much it means to me that I have never stood face to face with so many of you, but our lives have been woven together as we've cried together, raged together, and tried to find ourselves in the aftermath of it all. I can never express how much it means to know I have you walking alongside of me.

Stitch After Stitch

I am in such an insanely bitchy mood today. It has just been a week where I have literally crawled onto my couch every night and stared at the TV for hours on end with no lights on. This is not characteristic of me at all. I usually at least have my knitting going or I'm jumping up to get something out of the oven. Something. If one of my friends were acting like I am right now I would literally want to hit them or get them drunk or something. Instead I've just been whiney and then today I think if I was pushed I could literally hiss at someone.

So, instead of whining about all the reasons I'm pissy I am going to try to center myself a bit. As you may have noticed in some previous posts I am an obnoxiously sentimental and purposeful person. One of my leadership strengths is "connectedness". I tend to be this way more with my quilting, but every so often it sneaks into my knitting as well. I am going to tell you about one of those projects I have going right now.

Almost a year ago I cast on the Seascape Lace Stole to help me to calm my racing thoughts as my husband and I were setting off to try once again to see if we could get our shit together in the marriage department. I would frequently worry and start on a crazy cycle. I needed something to concentrate on. This is from my notes on my Ravelry project page from when I cast on.  

"I decided to start my first lace project as a “documentation” of the journey my husband and I are going through to see if we can start again. I figured working on this while we are working on us may help to serve as a reminder for me that things take time, mistakes are made and reworked, and if you want instant gratification you can make a mess of things. I am only ordering one ball of yarn at a time to remind myself that all the resources aren’t here and I shouldn’t put all my investment into something that is just in the beginning, but will need to get my resources as we go. If all goes well I hope to wear the stole at our ceremony to renew our vows. If not, guess I’ll have a big pile of a half finished stole to remind myself that sometimes things don’t turn out like we want."  ~5/2/09

Then things began to disintegrate, but I tried to keep on trucking:

"Things are not going so hot personally. However, when I get stressed and/or anxious this takes ALL of my concentration. I am also resisting the urge to rip back and fix mistakes. You can’t do that in life, you can only learn from there and correct them from where you are." ~5/12/09

I worked on this for awhile and then things went bad as they always seemed to and I threw it into the aforementioned naughty basket. I never even picked it up again during some half-hearted attempts at trying again. In fact, following one particularly gruesome fight I was picking up the corner and pulled the needle all the live stitches were on out by accident. I was so disgusted with the state of affairs I decided screw it, this is a pretty accurate representation of our relationship at the time and I threw it back in WITHOUT PUTTING THE NEEDLE BACK IN! All of those vulnerable little stitches were just hanging out.

As time went on I gave up on the marriage and filed for a divorce. I made lots of bad decisions, self-destructred a bit, and yelled at God and anyone else who would listen.

I won't get into the messy details, but God made me start listening to him come March. I started talking to my husband again aganist my better judgement. And on March 29th I picked this project back up.

It was a mess. The stitches (it's knit with Rowan Kid Silk Haze) were a mess. They were all stuck to each other, stitches had fallen in. It was a pretty accurate picture of my life and my marriage. I sat down and I spent some time figuring out where I was in the pattern. I had to use an earring to join some stitches that had fallen beyond saving. I had to accept that some of the damage was not fixable. To rip it back would have caused more damage. I would have to take it as it was and not give up because it looked like a mess. It was very much like my life.

But I worked at it.
 

 

And then before I knew it the pattern was coming together. Then it was double the size after only a week of work then all of the previous weak attempts.

 

It's been almost a month. Things have been so hard. I have walked out on fights with my husband, but come home with tear streaked cheeks to work on this. Yesterday I was so ready to give up. The pain and the questions were more than I could handle. I was so frustrated and I didn't even know how to talk to him about it. But I spent hours working on this stole. Somedays this is the only way I know how to work on my relationship. I don't know what to say or what to do, but I know if I just keep going stitch by stitch I feel like I'm still working on it. It doesn't have to make sense to you because it makes sense to me.

 

Making progress one stitch at a time

I don't know if we'll make it. I really don't. I don't know if I'll ever wear this stole to renew my vows. I just know that sometimes all I have is what's in front of me. And I've put too much work in it to just throw it away. For me this stole's project name is the "It Takes Time Stole". It reminds me I have to put in work for the finished project. Things don't get done overnight. All we can do it trust today's work will build on yesterday's and tomorrow's and His plans are greater than I can ever imagine.

The Story Is Still Being Written

Ahh. It's Monday. After a weekend of complications and a night of undo stress and a few cool thunderstorms with lightening I got to start off my day with a visit to the therapist. (There I said it. Yes, I have a therapist. It has taken me lots of work to be able to admit that and be cool with it. :)) I have been undecided if this will be one of those blogs where I go all TMI or just stick to the patterns, the recipes, and some food/fabric/yarn p0rn. But my description does say "and the eclectic life that happens in-between", so I'll try to find a happy medium. I was planning on getting into this more when I post about my knitting project I picked back up, so I'll save a bit for that.

I'm in this weird spot of single, but not. I won't go all crazy details of how we got here, but I am a single married lady. My husband and I separated almost a year and a half ago. It was a rough and bumpy ride that got us there and it's been a rough and bumpy ride since. There have been lots of bad decisions, ambiguity, nights of too much alcohol consumption and cigarettes, more bad decisions, a quilt that was dubbed the "revenge sex quilt" (no worries, it's just been me and the kitty, this was a time of lots of anger and lawyer visits and frustration), and some getting back together, then some breaking up again, some more bad decisions, then some getting back together. And yeah, it's been a rough ride.

And now? Now I'm not really sure what's going to happen. Really. However, God is an amazing God. I have learned that His plans rock my plans. His plans can be very hard to wrap my head around. I can think I have a handle on it, but then I don't. But He's God. If I could understand Him then He wouldn't be God. That's kind of the point. He knows more. He has worked in my life in so many amazing ways over the last two years. And nothing like I would have expected. Back before all of this I was walking along, not even realizing how high my nose was in the air. I talked of a God who stays by our side when times get tough. I shook my finger at others who thought that God makes life perfect, all the while not even realizing I was a total hypocrite. I thought I thought that if something bad ever happened I would be this amazing unmoveable person. I would stay strong in my faith, I would never doubt, I would never falter, I would never stray. All without a blink of an eye. Trouble is, in reality I never though that anything bad would ever happen. I thought if I was a good girl and did the actions that nothing bad would happen. (That was a hard pill to swallow and accept I really did believe that.) But life didn't roll like that. Bad stuff happened. I cryed and I screamed and I even prayed. But bad stuff still happened. I had to really stretch my head around who I understood God to be. I had to walk the walk (and sometimes this meant I stood still and froze and bawled and kicked). I had to really live out my faith in a God that allows us to have free will because He loves us SO MUCH. I even went through a terrible period where I struggled with grace so much I decided I could maybe be bad enough to not deserve it. Then God's incredible love for me overtook me. I had to accept He still loved me. Broken and bruised, through my doubt, through my fear. I always wanted to be someone who could speak of His love and redemption with my story, but I felt so empty. Then I had to realize that my story was still being writeen. While I felt like I had let Him down and He could never use me, I heard Him whisper to me that the chapter wasn't over. My story was still being written. There is this fantastic passage, 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, titled "The God of All Comfort" that reminds me in my struggles God comforts me and through my struggles He forms me into someone who can speak to others from a place of experience. I would rant on a message board about my struggles with my faith and wrestling with my faith and what it meant as I took a life that didn't make sense minute by minute and I would get messages from others on the board about how much the posts meant to them. I ranted and God used it. I was angry and tranparent and God used it. Wow.

Holy crap. That really isn't what I meant to write. I meant to just have a quick post telling you about this great Single Girl Quilt Pattern by Denyse Schmidt and how it entertained me being someone who is very aware of my lack of a partner in contrast to my old life. This post was originally called "Single Girling It As a Quasi-Married Lady", but it just didn't fit after seeing what came out as I typed. Sigh, I don't even have a picture to show you. Wait, here is my cat. Meet Magdalene Moo.

Don't worry, this blog will still mostly be about my search for control and my efforts to make sense of my messed up life through baking and crafting. But there is a story that goes with the person behind the screen. But my story isn't over. That's the fun and scary part about serving a loving God. He knows the plans He has for you. Even if you don't.