The View from 29

Hello, friends! Today is my birthday!

I start today on my last year as a 20-something. (Making me 29 for those who haven't had their coffee.) 28 was an interesting year for me. But looking back I'm happy to say I'm a much healthier person. I started this blog just a few weeks before my 28th birthday. So how is the view different at 29?

Well, I'm happy to say I'm doing emotionally better.

I was a bit of a mess over the last few years. The year of this blog really only caught some snippets of the tail end of it. I finally made the move to end a very unhealthy relationship this year and pick up the pieces of my life. It was hard to let go, but looking back at the chaos my life was, the waiting for the bottom to fall out that became a part of the fabric of who I was, the pain, I know it was for the best. I accepted myself for who I am (corny as that sounds) and learned to smile and laugh again. I've worked through God's love for me a bit and while I still really struggle with this I thank Him daily that He loves me even though I still feel far away. I've learned to embrace the Chaordic.

I'm also taking my physical health much more seriously.

While I'm having a bit of a crazy hair moment in the pic for this year I'm happy to say the 29 year old on the right is 30 lbs lighter than the overweight and unhappy 28 year old on the left. I'm still working on my weight and looking forward to the opportunity to start exercising outside, but I'm proud of the progress. For so long I felt like it just didn't matter. But as I got more healthy emotionally I wanted to feel better about myself physically. I finally felt ready to take care of myself again. I knew I needed to stop hiding behind food and self-loathing and allow myself to love me. And then maybe I could allow someone outside to love me. I know that sounds so damn cliche, but it's true. I didn't lose the weight to find love, I lost the weight to learn what it was like to be taken care of and I needed to do that for myself before I let someone else in.

And, I'm doing better relationally as well.

I've been with someone for a couple of months now and it's really taken me by surprise. I didn't think I'd want to let anyone in again.Ever. I started dating out of boredom more than to find anyone that would actually mean something to me. But he surprised me. I've never known what it's like to just have the walls down. To not constantly hold my breath and wait to clean up a mess I didn't make while my own heart was being broke over and over again. It freaks me out a bit from time to time and I'm still afraid to use a certain "l" word, but the fear hasn't made me put the walls back up, and that in itself is a big jump for me. I'm hopeful for what happens next and it's a great feeling.

AND...since I've been off the last few days...I have finished projects to share! So, more to come...

Hello, 29!

Chaordic Sweet Spots

I want to tell you my absolute new favorite word. Chaordic. What the hell is that? Chaordic is the sweet spot were the worlds of chaos & order meet. In the world of community organizing this refers to the tension between allowing for the beautiful chaos of allowing the unexpected to happen when you draw community together. You are totally at the will of the group. It's this utterly amazing time & space where anything is possible, energy is high, and the sky is truly the limit. But, as humans, we crave a sense of order. In my world this is a land of agendas, Robert's Rules of Order, boringness, and a place where truth be known creativity and what could be possible gets squashed by rules, "norms", only doing what is comfortable and known, and a lack of risk. So the challenge of the facilitator in a community organizing setting is to find that "chaordic sweet spot". It's that spot where you are open to dreaming. You roll with the energy of the community coming together, but you allow for a sense of order. There is a direction and information is harvested for further understanding.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the chaordic sweet spot of my own life. I spent a long time living what I thought was the beginning of the "American Dream". (What the hell does that even mean?) I really though I had it all planned out. I was truly believing that my life was figured out and "The Plan" was on and living by "The Plan" was all there was to it. But then life gave me a massive bitch slap into next Wednesday. I learned the hard way there was no such thing as "The Plan". At least not in a way I could control it. I very much believe God has a plan for my life. "'I know the plans I have you for you', declares the Lord, 'Plans to give you hope and a future. Not plans to harm you'." Silly, April. I thought I had that plan figured out. After the aforementioned life bitch slap I was sent spinning to the other end of the tangent. No plans. Wake up. Use up almost all my energy reserves to get out of bed. Survive this minute. Now the next 5. Good, girl. No, don't crawl under the desk and cry. You have a conference call. Okay, you can stare out the window. Now go home. Stare at the wall. Opps, now we are going to go through a do whatever the hell I want phase. But let's not think about tomorrow.

But I've learned to truly believe that God lives in the chaordic zone. So, how do I live my life in a way where I embrace the chaos of the amazing opportunities He opens for me, but I balance that with a life that at least plans a bit and has some direction? The gypsy lifestyle is tempting, but the reality is I love my husband and as a part of our reconciliation attempts I've worked to listen to him and value his need for some stability. He is a "Plan" person. But, man, that chaordic sweet spot is one I want to ride. It fills me with such a sense of anticipation to really ask God

"What are you going to do with me if I can just find a way to be open to the opportunities you present to me as I grow further into the plan YOU have set for me?"

"How do I not let my order override Your chaos?"

"How do I know the path to take in reconciling your community?"

"What do you want from me in my walk and how do I serve YOU?"

"How do I balance all of this?"

I wish you all luck in embracing the chaos He has for you and finding the balance with the order that keeps us grounded.

Contemplating Life

Here is your serious life post warning. No yarn, fabric, or baked goods here for tonight. You have been warned.

Sorry I've been a bit MIA. I went into hiding at my parent's after a week with far too many head to desk moments. Now I am at a retreat. The Art of Hosting Retreat to be more specific. And it is at the amazing Chiara Center in Springfield, IL.  I am at a very contemplative place that has been building for some time now. I should have seen the red flags that God has really been working to do with things with me here. But, as usual, my head was too wrapped around trying to survive the day without giving myself a concussion on the desk.

I could end the post here.

But I won't. Even though it's tempting. I realize you come here to read about what baking, knitting, and sewing. But I feel this urge to process here tonight, so push that red X button in the corner if you aren't up to some April self-exploration.

This  plaque above is in the hallway of the retreat center we are at and it really captured for me a piece of this journey.

The good news is that I am really coming into realization of this passion God has put in my heart for what He put me here for. The bad news is that it challenges many of the ways I thought life was going to look like for me. The hard part is that it shouldn't necessarily cause the chaos it does, but it does.

I have been working in a leadership coaching program and one of the things my coach and I have really worked on is articulating my values. This has been a valuable process for me. I used to be planner. Then I was drug through hell and back at the whims of a plan that wasn't my own. Now the idea of living my life based on my values really reasonates with me. I find a sense of peace in knowing that while I may change as I am living out a plan or God may throw opportunities my way while I'm living out a plan I thought was mine, if I live my life based on values and make my decisions based on these values I shouldn't get back to this place I've been in of total disorientation. Nothing like waking up at the tender age of 28 and realizing that you have no idea who the hell's life you're living, but it just doesn't resonate with you. I have felt this fluttering inside of me for some time. This longing to be a part of something bigger than me. And I think I've found that something. I have this amazing passion for working in communities to bring them together and help them to realize the shared future we all have and that change is really within us. Within us as people, within us as a community. We share this place in time. I feel such a sense of truth as I show the love of God in this way.

 But what do I do with that now? What do I do when it raises more questions for me? What do I do when I'm faced with living life as I feel a passion for, living life in a way that looks at the world around me and says, "I know that this could be different and I want to be a part of the change", but living life this way means maybe leaving behind what I've known? What do I do when I feel this passion so deep in my bones that I don't understand how it could from anywhere but God, but jumping means letting go of other things that seem like they SHOULD be of God? I have so much conflict inside of myself right now. My coach tells me that she is excited for me. That I am at the place where I am becoming who I was made to be. But what do I with the shambles of who I was?

Please pray for me. I mean that literally. Please pray that God will shine through the overgrowth in my life and light HIS path. That He will bring me peace and reconcile the passion He has placed in me and the shackles of responsibility that hold me back. Please pray the fear that whispers will be less than the passion that makes me feel alive. Please pray I will be brave and embrace my calling. Even if I don't know the details of The Plan.

I found this prayer room here tonight. You can find me back there.

Fail Us Not

I had intended to post today about fruit crisp or the sewing I did this weekend. Maybe about the pie I'm making this afternoon. But those posts will be coming later this week. I have other things on my mind for today. :)

I have always turned to worship music during the times I am struggling and I need to hear God. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy worship music during other times as well. Used to be all I listened to and it is still playing in the background more often than not. But during those times I am really seeking God, it seems to be my portal. I have never been a good quiet prayer type gal. Way too overactive of a brain for that. And I always seem to doubt if I am really hearing God's voice or if I am just thinking what I want and attributing it to God because I want it. But He speaks volumes to me through worship. When I first graduated college and I wasn't sure what it was He wanted from me I can remember night after night of putting on headphones and just being curled up on the floor crying out to Him as I sang along. During times I have really struggled with depression, this is what has gotten me through. And there always seems to be a song that He really uses to speak to me again and again. A song that brings me back to the word He has for me.

Fail Us Not (1000 Generations) is that song for this season of my life. This song reaches to me in the midst of my doubt, in the darkness of my struggles and shame, in my hiding my face from God. This song reminds of God's love for me. Of the fact He.Is.God. For real. And there is nothing that He can't do and nothing that is too big for Him. He is here for me. No, he is here beside me. There are times I get so drug down by the idea "I cannot do this. This is too big for me. I hurt too much. My mistakes cannot possibly make God still want me or want to use me." But then this song finds me.

I have really been struggling with doing what I feel God wants me to be doing lately. Everyone seems to think I should be doing one thing, but I just have this conviction that God wants to show me and others what He can do with a life that trusts Him. Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when the pain is crushing and I could run from it. He tells me if I trust in Him, he will not fail me. This song really says it better than I can say it. I hope it speaks to you as much as it has to me.

Fail Us Not

Failure doesn't faze you.

Worry doesn't win.
Lost doesn't leave you afraid to start again.
Our sin doesn't shock you.
Our shame doesn't shame you at all.

Mistakes do not move you.
Terror doesn't tame.
Death doesn't doom you to life in the grave.
Our suffering doesn't scare you.
Our secrets won't surprise you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.


Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

Hatred doesn't hide you.
Evil doesn't ail.
Despair can't disguise you and tell you that you fail.
Our doubt doesn't daunt you.
Our darkness won't defeat you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.

Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

You're bigger than the battle.
You are bigger than the battle.
You are bigger than the battle has ever been.
Ever been.

Whatever will come, we'll rise above.

You fail us not, You fail us not.
No, You fail us not.

You fail us not.
No matter the war. Our hope is secure.
You fail us not.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not.
No, you fail us not.



1000 Generations - Fail Us Not
Video Codes at http://www.yallwire.com/

Pie. Friday.

First off-two words. Pie. Friday. But you’ll have to wait for it.

I was on my way home from work today after making two stops for alcohol. One for wine and then on second thought some beer while for while I wait for my friends to get here to drink wine. It was a bitch of a day to end one hell of a week. I was listening to a Christian radio station and they were interviewing a new band. The band was talking about how cool it was to be playing alongside bands they grew up listening to. They mentioned the song “What if I Stumble” and suddenly here I am driving in “rush hour” (I live in Iowa) traffic with tears in my eyes.

I grew up in the Lutheran church, but then spent a few years as an agnostic. When I was really struggling with coming back to God I knew that I was in it all the way or not at all. I couldn’t do this whole “social Christian” thing I had seen growing up. Just going to church on holidays but really not letting God have much control over my life Monday-Saturday. So I fought Him for a long time. Not long after I first made the leap my husband (then boyfriend) played the DC Talk song “What if I Stumble” for me. It brought me to tears. I felt so much pressure. I thought as a baby Christian I was embracing the love of a God in a way different from I understood it growing up, but instead I was just vowing to not mess up. I was so afraid I would be a hypocrite.  But I did mess up. I used to cry over the idea of not being good enough for God’s love and the pressure of not knowing how He could love me if I ever stumbled and fell away from Him. But I did. And He still does. In the end the biggest instance of being a hypocrite for me was not accepting the grace I believed in for so many others.  Amazing how different these words can mean to me over seven years later.

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Will I lose my step and make fools of us all?

Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

You never turn in the heat of it all

What if I stumble, what if I fall—

Everyone’s got to crawl

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I’m feeling

You’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall

I hear you whispering my name you say

“My love for you will never change”

Now for the pie.

For this week's bake-a-long the theme was ginger. Bitter truth, not a ginger fan. However, this pie has seriously made me reconsider this position. Seriously. However, rewind back to before I knew of my upcoming challenging of my ideas on ginger, so Tuesday. I knew that I would be baking a pie this week. I also knew that I couldn't (shouldn't) eat a pie alone. Due to having to work late Thursday I had to miss knitting this week. So, it seemed like a great idea to invite a couple of good friends over for pie.

Ginger Pear  Pie from All Recipes

3 T. cornstarch

1/4 t. ground ginger
1/2 c. water

1/2 c. dark corn syrup

1 t. lemon juice
1/8 teaspoon grated lemon peel

4 large pears, peeled and thinly sliced

1 T. butter or margarine
9 in. pastry shell

Topping:
1/2 c. flour
1/4 c. packed brown sugar
1/8 t. group ginger
1/4 c. cold butter

1/4 c. chopped pecans

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

To start off with I made my pie crust. The crust called for a bought shell, but hell no. That's not how we roll here. I don't like the funny aftertaste, but hey, to each their own. I made the shell first so it was done, but put it in the fridge while I made the filling so the butter didn't get too warm.

Next for the filling. In a saucepan, combine the first six ingredients until blended. Gently stir in the pears. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally; boil for one minute. Add butter.

Pour the filling into the pastry shell.  For the topping combine the flour, brown sugar, and ginger in a bowl. Cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle over the pear fillling.

Bake for 20-25 minutes or until the topping is golden brown.

We let the pie sit for 30 minutes or so. It was still nice and warm, but the filling was a little firmer this way. Sided with ice cream and it was amazing. What a great reason to spend a fabulous Friday night with fabulous friends. Most definitely the stage for a new tradition. Pie Friday sounds like a great way to end every week. Even ones that don't have you wanting to crawl in the fetal position under my desk. My friends rock. Pie is great. It's on.

The Story Is Still Being Written

Ahh. It's Monday. After a weekend of complications and a night of undo stress and a few cool thunderstorms with lightening I got to start off my day with a visit to the therapist. (There I said it. Yes, I have a therapist. It has taken me lots of work to be able to admit that and be cool with it. :)) I have been undecided if this will be one of those blogs where I go all TMI or just stick to the patterns, the recipes, and some food/fabric/yarn p0rn. But my description does say "and the eclectic life that happens in-between", so I'll try to find a happy medium. I was planning on getting into this more when I post about my knitting project I picked back up, so I'll save a bit for that.

I'm in this weird spot of single, but not. I won't go all crazy details of how we got here, but I am a single married lady. My husband and I separated almost a year and a half ago. It was a rough and bumpy ride that got us there and it's been a rough and bumpy ride since. There have been lots of bad decisions, ambiguity, nights of too much alcohol consumption and cigarettes, more bad decisions, a quilt that was dubbed the "revenge sex quilt" (no worries, it's just been me and the kitty, this was a time of lots of anger and lawyer visits and frustration), and some getting back together, then some breaking up again, some more bad decisions, then some getting back together. And yeah, it's been a rough ride.

And now? Now I'm not really sure what's going to happen. Really. However, God is an amazing God. I have learned that His plans rock my plans. His plans can be very hard to wrap my head around. I can think I have a handle on it, but then I don't. But He's God. If I could understand Him then He wouldn't be God. That's kind of the point. He knows more. He has worked in my life in so many amazing ways over the last two years. And nothing like I would have expected. Back before all of this I was walking along, not even realizing how high my nose was in the air. I talked of a God who stays by our side when times get tough. I shook my finger at others who thought that God makes life perfect, all the while not even realizing I was a total hypocrite. I thought I thought that if something bad ever happened I would be this amazing unmoveable person. I would stay strong in my faith, I would never doubt, I would never falter, I would never stray. All without a blink of an eye. Trouble is, in reality I never though that anything bad would ever happen. I thought if I was a good girl and did the actions that nothing bad would happen. (That was a hard pill to swallow and accept I really did believe that.) But life didn't roll like that. Bad stuff happened. I cryed and I screamed and I even prayed. But bad stuff still happened. I had to really stretch my head around who I understood God to be. I had to walk the walk (and sometimes this meant I stood still and froze and bawled and kicked). I had to really live out my faith in a God that allows us to have free will because He loves us SO MUCH. I even went through a terrible period where I struggled with grace so much I decided I could maybe be bad enough to not deserve it. Then God's incredible love for me overtook me. I had to accept He still loved me. Broken and bruised, through my doubt, through my fear. I always wanted to be someone who could speak of His love and redemption with my story, but I felt so empty. Then I had to realize that my story was still being writeen. While I felt like I had let Him down and He could never use me, I heard Him whisper to me that the chapter wasn't over. My story was still being written. There is this fantastic passage, 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, titled "The God of All Comfort" that reminds me in my struggles God comforts me and through my struggles He forms me into someone who can speak to others from a place of experience. I would rant on a message board about my struggles with my faith and wrestling with my faith and what it meant as I took a life that didn't make sense minute by minute and I would get messages from others on the board about how much the posts meant to them. I ranted and God used it. I was angry and tranparent and God used it. Wow.

Holy crap. That really isn't what I meant to write. I meant to just have a quick post telling you about this great Single Girl Quilt Pattern by Denyse Schmidt and how it entertained me being someone who is very aware of my lack of a partner in contrast to my old life. This post was originally called "Single Girling It As a Quasi-Married Lady", but it just didn't fit after seeing what came out as I typed. Sigh, I don't even have a picture to show you. Wait, here is my cat. Meet Magdalene Moo.

Don't worry, this blog will still mostly be about my search for control and my efforts to make sense of my messed up life through baking and crafting. But there is a story that goes with the person behind the screen. But my story isn't over. That's the fun and scary part about serving a loving God. He knows the plans He has for you. Even if you don't.