On a Personal Note

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this publically. Okay, I knew I didn't want to. However, one of the values I have really embraced over the last couple of years is that as people we are seldom truly transparent and I want to try to live my life embracing my humanity and the brokenness that comes with that. I don't know if you've ever heard the song Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns, but I've gotten to a point in my life that I feel acting like one of the "happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples" really hurts more than it serves to glorify God. As Christians we hurt and we struggle and it's okay. So on that note, I'm reposting an entry I put on Ravelry in a divorce group I used to be a part of this morning because I want to be true to being real. I am more than yarn, fabric, and baked goods. And appropriate or not, this entry is for me and honoring that. I did take out some of the details of what happened in my marriage, as I don't feel those are appropriate for a public blog.

Back in March, as I was awaiting notification the divorce was final, I found out the judge was throwing us back and making us wait out a 90 day period I was told by my lawyer I would have no trouble getting around since we had been separated for a year and half. As those of you who know me may remember, I have always struggled with my divorce, my faith, and discerning God’s will, as well as having trouble finding God in all of it. Both my husband and I had been making progress as individuals, so we decided to give it a try to see if we could work through some of the pain of what happened. We didn't know if this was a sign.



But now, two and half years after things went so horribly wrong, I resubmitted the final set of papers to the court this week. No crisis caused me to react, I just got tired of pretending the pain wasn’t still there. I worked so hard to get through so much and out of those ashes a different person rose. The disintegration of our marriage and the insanity that followed broke me into a million pieces. It took me a lot to sort through those pieces and as I worked to put them all back together they didn’t all end up right where they were before I broke. So, I’m still all there, it just looks a bit different and has a few more jagged edges.


Two and a half years. Wow. I don’t even know who that girl was. I can look back and see this young wife planning a family and filled with anticipation as she planned with the husband she adored to move into their first house. Their whole lives were before them and the idea they may not be in it together was just blasphemy. I can’t even wrap my mind around what it feels like to be her. But I’m feeling what it is to be me. Broken, but learning God’s grace. Unsure, but looking forward. Scared, but determined.

The irony of it all is that through the hell of the last two years, in the end  it changed me into a much more peaceful person. I look at life from a different place now and I’m willing to just let what happens happen. (Ok, sometimes the old control freak in my comes out, but there is more balance.) I was always the planner in our relationship. But after things went so terribly wrong I came to an acceptance that plans can only take you so far. My rocky last couple of years has really taught me that we don’t have all of the answers and the true beauty of life reveals itself when we’re not looking for it. Sometimes it surprises us and sometimes we see the beauty when we look at the ugly head on.

Many don’t understand the unique struggle of Christians going through divorce, both inside and outside the church. I’ve always felt a bit alone and misunderstood wherever I was. And I was lucky enough to have a church family who totally supported me, which I know many don’t have. I still struggle with if this is God’s will, I just have come to terms with grace and forgiveness enough to know that even if it isn’t, He will love me, provide for me, and set me on a new path anyway.



A little of me is hoping no one read this far. If you're thinking to yourself, "Why would anyone put all of that out there in public?", this wasn't about you. It was about me and my committment to being real.

In the words of Casting Crowns:

Would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagined me to be?

Or would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away?
Or would the love of Jesus
be enough to make you stay?


Yarn, fabric, and baking will be back soon.